A decade ago I was much more naïve and took life for granted. I thought there would always be another day to kiss and make up, find ways to reconnect with friends, and find our way back to fun. And then it happened. My bubble burst and our hearts were broken when my ex-husband committed suicide. One moment changed everything and I had my eyes opened wide.
That one decision was one that couldn’t be taken back. There was no getting back to what we once had; there was only finding a new normal. And over the past decade, I have tried to find laughter where I could and have tried to have something close to normal. Though I have recognized the good that has come from some of the choices I consciously made, I am extremely aware of the choices my subconscious made.
I never let anyone get too close. My heart is guarded. My Army brat upbringing made me feel that friends were for the moment and never truly permanent. And when Chris died, it made me feel that not even family is permanent. It’s why it’s easy to silently cry myself to sleep and not expect anyone to stay in my life. It’s all of this and more that makes it hard to ask for help. And somehow, I keep trying. I sabotage myself and fail. I get up and try again. Sabotage, rinse and repeat.
I don’t think this is quite the cycle I was hoping for. I consciously try to make room for peace, joy, and love in my life, and yet I’ve been putting up the Bat signal to invite in fear and doubt. I set up the perfect storm for it all to fail. Sabotage, rinse and repeat.
So what happens now? Do I keep trying? Do I keep trying and failing? The answer is yes. IT IS ALWAYS YES! True failure for me is when I stop trying, and I’m not going to stop my endless pursuit of joy, laughter, and peace. I am fortunate to know what my subconscious has been doing. I know it was done to keep me safe, but keeping me in that tower prevented me from loving fully and having the kind of connections I need. I may struggle to maintain the level of closeness I want with my friends, but I’m trying. I may struggle to fully give my heart to the ones I love, but I’m trying. At some point it will become automatic- inviting in the goodness and allowing it to settle in my heart. For now it’s a day at a time.
My challenge to you is to find your own subconscious script. What is holding you back from living fully and loving without fear? It’s safe to come out of your own bubble. All you have to do is Live, Love, rinse and repeat.